Perhaps you think your situation can never change. We sincerely hope that you find stories of men and wives, similar to you, that God has changed. There is hope. You can be healed. Your marriage can be healed. These stories bear testimony to the fact that God can change hearts. If you have faith that God has the power to heal you and you take action, there is hope. It most likely will not happen overnight, but if you stay on the journey God will change your heart.
Not a Poster Child for a Sexual Addition Group
I Allowed Jesus to Start the Healing of My Heart
This Is the Story of How I Tried
After 15 Years, the Chains Were Lifted
As a Christian and a Married Man I Struggled With Homosexuality
God Told Me I Had To Choose
It Only Affected Me, or did It?
The Choice Only I Could Make
I Never Thought I'd Be At This Place In My Life
Playing Frisbee Started 18 Years of Sexual Addiction
The Two Me's
Masturbation And Internet Porn Nearly Ruined My Marriage
A Virgin Sex Addict
FMO Didn't Work, but I Wasn't Sharing the Whole Story
I wondered why I had almost NO intimate life with my husband
Have you ever wondered if your husband has a girlfriend?
Six weeks after we were married, my husband began coming home late from work
My husband is a sex addict - now what?
Pastor's Wives Shouldn't Share Their Secret Pain...Should They?
How can I ever trust my husband again, let alone be intimate with him?
When my husband first brought home information on A Hidden Hurt, I was sure it didn't apply to me
Not a Poster Child for a Sexual Addition Group
Most wouldn't describe me as a poster child for a sexual addition group: I was a virgin when I married [at 29 years old], have never had much trouble resisting pornography and my only true lure to the internet is CNN and ESPN.com. I've never been a smoker, drinker, or drug user and rarely go more than 5MPH over the speed limit. So how did I end up at FMO? As many young males do I "discovered" masturbation in my junior high years. It's easy for an overweight, self-conscious, teenage boys such as myself to be drawn in by the comfort of desirability and arousal, even if it is only so in imagination and the privacy of an empty house.
And so began 15 years of unchecked masturbation and fantasizing. There was certainly conviction at times, the lusting and acting out seemed to go against how my heart felt, but by avoiding investigating my infant conviction I managed over the years to convince myself sexual purity meant something other than what I was doing. After all, I wasn't one of "those guys" who was going to strip clubs or hiring prostitutes. Certainly the Bible's messages of sexual purity were for the truly debaucherous Sodom & Gomorrah types, not a guy engaging in "normal" behavior.
In the 15th year of my addiction I met who would eventually become my wife. In our dating years I found myself pushing physical boundaries further and further, ones I knew were important for her to maintain but that I had lost conviction to maintain. My fantasy life, where I could do whatever I wanted, was playing out into my relationship with her and at cost. After pushing the limits too far I sought out help and found FMO, and only then did I begin to realize how large of a stronghold Satan had established in my life. After vowing to myself to quit my addiction for various causes (e.g. my wife) failure brought the necessary reality that only Christ was up for a job this big - a job of changing my actions and my heart.
Through years of effort, prayer, a wonderful support structure in FMO, and Christ's own intervention I have reclaimed territory formerly lost to Satan and am on my way to sexual purity. Out of 15 years of shame and secrecy sprung a passion for me that I truly enjoy trumpeting which is a fearless approach to telling men that there is no shame in falling to sin, for Christ has only victory planned for each one of us.
My story isn't new or radical; it's been played out time and time before, is seen every day in the men around me at FMO, and will continue to happen until the end: "My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness."
I Allowed Jesus to Start the Healing of My Heart
My story begins when I was very young. I was born without a father. While my mom was pregnant with me my father was killed. After my birth my mom did not re-marry until I was about two years old. She married a Christian man and I was raised in a Christian home. I accepted Jesus Christ as my personal savior when I was about 6 years old and I was baptized when I was about 8 years old. When I was in the third grade we moved from Central Oregon to Western Idaho and we slowly quit attending church. When I was ten my mother and second father divorced and we moved to Eastern Oregon to live closer to my mother's family. Shortly after the divorce my mother started dating and soon lived with who is now my third father and we moved to Portland Oregon. It was then that my sexual addiction soon started to take a hold of my life. In the sixth grade I saw my first pornographic magazine and was soon hooked on pornography. Shortly after seeing my first magazine I discovered masturbation. This was a release for me as I no longer had Jesus in my life to turn to and my mother was quickly becoming involved in her new love with our stepbrothers and sister coming to visit frequently and having to work full time to help with the living expenses. We lived in Portland for only eight months and then moved back to Eastern Oregon.
Through my teen-age years the addiction to pornography continued to grow. I started finding ways to obtain magazines and started my own collection of them. The cycle of masturbation continued. Our family did not attend church during these years of my life on a regular basis. I would go to church with my grand parents on an occasion. During my sophomore year of high school we moved to Colorado and I went beyond magazines and started dating girls and discovered sex. I would have multiple partners and still maintained my magazine collection. My mom would discard the magazines but I would continue to replenish my collection and not only have sex with my girlfriends but would continue to masturbate as well. After high school and into my early 20's I discovered that it was legal for me to attend the topless clubs and to rent XXX movies. I soon discovered drugs and alcohol and this intensified the effect of sex and masturbation. The whole cycle continued to escalate as my drug usage increased. At the age of 23 I moved back to Eastern Oregon and quit using the hard drugs but continued with the drinking and sex with girlfriends.
This cycle continued and at the age of 25 I married and started a family thinking that the addiction cycle would stop. The masturbation and sex stopped for the early years of marriage but started once the kids came. I soon discovered Internet pornography and this made it easy to hide the addiction again and the cycle of masturbation started again. After 11 years of marriage the drugs and alcohol started again and the need for something to feed my sexual addiction began to become intense so I started searching for someone other than my wife. I had an affair on my wife and continued with the Internet pornography, topless bars and drugs and alcohol. We started attending church on a regular basis and our love for Jesus was growing more and more every day but there was something missing and soon my wife discovered my Internet porn and discovered my affair with another woman. It was than that I confessed all of my sins to my wife and to Jesus Christ and allowed the work of Jesus with the help of the men in FMO to start the healing of my heart. By the grace and mercy of God I have finally started to discover a new relationship with my wife and with Jesus.
This Is the Story of How I Tried
"No one can serve two masters." - Jesus
Matthew 6:24
I accepted the Lord as my savior when I was 8. My heart was open, and He was giving me the grace to follow Him.
At the age of 11 or 12, I accidentally discovered the pleasure of masturbation. From its innocent beginning it quickly became the way in which I would act out my sexual fantasies. I knew in my heart that I was choosing sin, and I felt terrible about it. I was sure that my parents would have been deeply disappointed, so I tried to conceal what I was up to. I was alone in this, ashamed before God of what I was thinking and doing.
I had an active imagination, so I didn't need much, if any, material. Not that I didn't try, I just didn't want to do anything that would blow my secret. So, I relied on ads in the paper or JC Penny catalogues, along with whatever images I could steal away of girls during the day. It wasn't long before I was hooked.
For the next 30 years, I tried to serve two gods. The God of my youth eventually took a back seat to my lustful thought life. I became much more absorbed with and consistent in my acting out the sin than I was with reading the Word, prayer or service to Jesus. I was split in my allegiance, and as a result, my relationship with God shared space with my dedication to sin. I tried to compartmentalize the two. Above all, I wanted to keep my thought-life of lust and masturbation hidden from view of God and others. I knew that God saw everything, so the choice created a rift, even as I tried to follow Him in the other areas of my life.
I'm still trying to sort out how an impure mind and heart effected me over the years. I do know that a part of me loathed myself. I felt unworthy of God's forgiveness and grace. I felt inadequate around girls, probably because I felt so bad about myself. Thinking about girls and masturbating about those thoughts took the place of real relationships. I was getting my physical thrill without risking rejection, or having to work at building a relationship with a girl. My fantasies painted a world of impossibly perfect looking and acting sexual partners. I ended up having impossibly high standards of beauty and personality. Nobody could measure up to my fantasies. From middle school through college, I never asked a girl on a date.
My duel life of trying to serve God and keep feeding my impure thoughts continued on into college, years of service in Mexico, and into my relationship with my wife. For decades I tried with my own will power and prayer to escape from the addiction, but I would always come back. So, I resigned myself to live with it, and became quite adept at hiding my activities.
My hope was that my marriage relationship would supplant the need or desire for the fantasies. My marriage was difficult from the beginning. We both had a hard time building an emotional and sexual bond. There's a lot to this, but in terms of my impure life, I chose to do what I always did. Fantasy and masturbation was a lot easier than the real thing. No risk of rejection, no need to work out conflicts, share, listen, step out into the unknown. In time, she and I shared less and less emotional and sexual intimacy. We acted more like good friends and roommates than a married couple.
I began buying porno magazines at far-off convenience stores and masturbating to the images. Then I went a few times to distant adult video stores to look at the video covers and purchase more mags. I would binge, feel disgusted with myself, throw away the material, and ask God for forgiveness. In a few weeks I'd go lurking for more. Then I discovered internet porn. Being self employed at home and working at the computer, this was very easy access for me. I ended up spending a lot of time looking at photos online. My wife thought I just had a low sex drive. It was strong, just misdirected.
About 2 1/2 years ago, a friend of hers, whose husband had had issues like mine, suggested to my wife that I might be looking at porn online. My wife asked me about it, and I confessed. Well, sort of. It took me three increasingly honest attempts at confessing to her before I eventually came completely clean. This slow disclosure didn't help to rebuild trust. However clumsy that first step, at least it moved she and I down the path toward healing. We went in for counseling, and I started to care about changing for God and me, not just to please or shut up my wife. We continue to have difficulty communicating and building intimacy, but for the first time in our 16 years of marriage, we are making progress.
I joined FMO about 2 years ago. I already knew that I couldn't beat the addiction on my own. I had tried that to varying degrees for 30 years. This time I gave it up to God in the presence of other Christian men who had also struggled with sexual impurity. Through weeks, months and years of confession and accountability with my brothers, I'm at a very different place than when I first joined FMO. God is working in this process to break the chains of bondage, and bring me back to an abiding relationship with Him. I still have to defend against falling back into bad habits, but God is providing me with the tools and grace to clean up my life.
I'm still in the early stages of becoming the man that God designed me to be, and yet, even now He can use me to help other men. It is a privilege and blessing to be able to continue to come clean with God, while also offering His encouragement to others. Only by His grace.
Now I strive to only serve The One True Master.
After 15 years, the chains were lifted
Like most guys, I was introduced to pornography early, in my case 5th grade through a childhood friend. At that time, my reaction was, "So what?" Unfortunately, it did not stay that way.
While I continued to be exposed to porn through college, looking at such materials did not take hold of me until I was moved out of my parent's house after graduating. I now had no limits on how much and how often I could view pornography, and did not realize I was addicted until I tried to stop in response to becoming engaged to be married. I would make repeated trips to the dumpster, only to acquire new materials a week or so later. As my wedding date approached, I vowed not to take what I knew was wrong into my marriage and cried out to God one more time to take the desire away, Within 6 months of walking down the aisle, however, I was again stashing explicit videos in my home. After a year of this, my wife finally confronted me. She showed me the stash, and I responded the way I always did in such situations, I lied in order to lessen the impact, saying that this is a recent problem which was not true. She didn't buy it, and I started weekly counseling with an expert in the field.
Counseling was new experience for me: I was the nice guy who did the right thing and did not have any problems. I was not honest with the counselor, and continued my habit in secret for another 14 years, even visiting prostitutes (a line I swore I'd never cross) in addition to viewing porn. I was stuck: I could not tell my counselor, I could not face my wife, and I could not pray to God. When I did pray, I cried out to God to heal me, only to go back to porn a few days or weeks later. Finally, my wife discovered a business card and challenged me as to its origin. Again, I lied, completely eroding any trust she had left, and again, she called me on it. I had to tell her I had been unfaithful, and I wondered whether our marriage would survive. I hit an all time personal low: my life was warped, my marriage and my family seriously jeopardized, and my relationship with God bankrupted. Having little left to loose, I took the ultimate chance, and over the course of 3 days confessed everything to my wife, including events she did not suspect. This was my first step toward healing, as if one of those huge, heavy chains that secure large ships was lifted off my shoulders. For the first time in my adult life, I was free of those chains!
The next 1½ years have been very difficult for my wife and I, and while I have been porn free all that time I know I will never be free from sexual temptation. But now I wake up knowing that I hold no secrets from my wife, can claim God's promises, and am becoming the man He designed me to be. My wife has forgiven me, and we're slowly healing into the family our 3 children need. I am walking proof that there is hope and success to those who are willing to give it all up in order to regain what matters most.
As a Christian and A Married Man I Struggled With Homosexuality
Growing up in the church and graduating from Bible College didn't make me immune from sin. As a Christian and a married man I have struggled with homosexuality. Through my searching for male acceptance and approval I allowed myself to believe the lies of Satan and gave into sexual sin. I began by dabbling on the Internet with pornography and it eventually grew into a secret life that I kept hidden. This progressed several years with what appeared to me as very little ill effects, but then things began to unravel and my life began to spiral out of control.
Six years ago I reached a point where God revealed to me that I desperately needed help. I finally confessed to my wife, but it was no surprise to her, she felt in her heart that something was wrong. She was able to forgive me and I asked God to forgive me. I stopped my destructive behavior by sheer will power, but I did not seek other outside help and didn't get the help to heal the root issues. We made another mistake and continued to keep this a secret. Things worked for a few years, but then I found myself back to the same secretive life and my addiction began getting the best of me again.
In September of 2003, after hitting rock bottom a friend invited me to attend Promise Keepers. During a time of surrender the Lord really spoke to my heart and I went forward and surrendered before God. I cried out to God that I could no longer fix the problem on my own and pleaded before God to take control of my life and this struggle.
I learned from the last time that I would need outside help in this area of my life. Through research on the Promise Keepers web site I was lead to the local ministry of Portland Fellowship that ministers to men and women struggling with homosexuality.
Through this ministry I began my journey three years ago out of sexual bondage. Just as the Israelites were led by Moses out of Egypt, God is leading me out of my Egypt. My wife has been apart of the journey with me by being involved in the wives group. God's hand guided us in each step during our journey. At PF we began by looking at repentance and forgiveness through the parable of the Prodigal Son. Yes, I had repented from my sin, but I had a difficult time accepting God's forgiveness. I didn't feel worthy of God's forgiveness. I felt I didn't deserve it. After study and prayer I began to believe with all my heart that God loves me and forgave me, and He welcomed me home.
Today I am a new creation in Christ. The Lord has transformed my life from the inside out. I am no longer bound by my old thoughts and desires. When my program at PF came to a close I knew I needed to be held accountable to others and I joined an FMO group that helps men walk away from sexual sin. God alone can transform lives. I am no longer playing God over my struggles; I am allowing God to be in control of my life, and that has made all the difference.
God Told Me I Had to Choose
I was introduced to pornography in grade school when my brothers and I came across a suitcase full of adult magazines. I remember the churning in my stomach as the images provoked a new feeling in my body. Although there was something within telling me that it was wrong, I was immediately drawn to the images.
In my adolescent years, I began to objectify the girls in school. My buddies and I would stare at girls and ask one another, "Would you do her? How about her?" It was all about sex and not much anything else. My imagination ran wild with fantasies and it was then I discovered masturbation.
In my twenties, I began attending a non-denominational church outside of my parents' Catholic church. For the first time, I heard about being saved and having a personal relationship with God. However, that's also when I began viewing pornographic movies. After work, I'd stay up most of the night watching and masturbating to the adult shows knowing that I would have to wake up early for work the next morning. But the draw of pornography was stronger than my desire to sleep. It was the start of living a dual life, one for God and the other for the devil.
An end to a tumultuous relationship with another Christian left me bitter towards life and God, I told myself that if this was what God wanted for me then I didn't want it at all. Never wanting to take responsibility for my actions, I blamed God for all my troubles. During those years, I regularly rented adult movies and subscribed to Playboy, masturbating to them regularly. I dated several women and was very promiscuous. My life was spiraling downward further away from God and I found myself lonely and hollow. Masturbation and pornography left me feeling very unsatisfied, yet I would continue doing it.
Soon after I began dating my future wife, she discovered my adult magazines and I threw away by her asking. However, I continued looking at other women, objectifying them via the media or on the streets. This dual life was the source of great strife in our relationship. I'd rationalize that I was getting better over the years, but in truth I was just getting better at lying to her. There were many heated arguments surrounding my sexual impurity. Some got out of hand to the point of violence and some caused consideration for divorce.
Then my wife began having intense nightmares. Some of demons chasing and tormenting her, and others of me having sexual encounters with other women. She'd wake up the next morning distraught. I would rationalize saying it was just a dream, that I didn't do anything wrong. But in truth I was committing adultery.
Matthew 5:28 "But I tell you that anyone who looks at a woman lustfully has already committed adultery with her in his heart"
Unknowingly I had allowed Satan to come into our home and torment my family. It finally hit home when my daughter also began having nightmares of monsters in the dark tormenting her in the same manner as my wife. It got to the point where my wife would sense an evil presence and at the very same moment my young daughter would see a "monster" lurking about.
One night, my wife called me at work exclaiming there was an evil presence in the house. I could hear my daughter cry abnormally in a hysterical manner. I knew it was the manifestation of a demon. I had to do something about it. During the drive home, God told me I had to choose: Either live for Him now and get this sin out of my life, or watch the devil tear my family apart. I prayed with my wife that night. I confessed my struggles and what I was doing behind her back, but she already knew and wanted honesty from that point on.
We sought advice from a pastor who suggested some books. The first was "Bondage Breaker" by Neil Anderson. We learned how my personal sin was allowing the enemy to obtain a foothold in our marriage. I remember believing "what I am doing is only affecting me." I realized this was a lie from the enemy.
It was through a book, "Every Man's Battle" by Stephen Arterburn, I realized I was not alone in my struggles. I needed an accountability partner. So I prayed that God would show me a man or some sort of group that I could be involved with to help me with my sexual impurity. And then 2 years ago God answered my prayer at a men's retreat where I heard an FMO leader share his testimony. I immediately joined FMO and have been going each week ever since.
It is through FMO that I am able to disclose my daily struggles and learn how to become a better man of God. Through their ministry, healing is taking place.
James 5:16 "Therefore confess you sins to each other and pray for each other so that you may be healed."
I was stuck in a cycle of sin-repent, sin-repent, never able to get out of that cycle on my own. But through FMO, the cycle has finally been broken. I used to believe it was impossible to change my way of thinking. But through the steps made over the course of these last 2 years, God has made a way. There are times I still struggle, but the temptations have become less burdensome as I become closer to God. I'm finally becoming more mature in Christ.
Corinthians 13:11 "When I was a child, I talked like a child; I thought like a child, I reasoned like a child. When I became a man, I put childish ways behind me."
It only affected me.or did it?
I was introduced to pornography in grade school when my brothers and I came across a suitcase full of adult magazines. I remember the churning in my stomach as the images provoked a new feeling in my body. Although there was something within telling me that it was wrong, I was immediately drawn to the images.
In my adolescent years, I began to objectify the girls in school. My buddies and I would stare at girls and ask one another, "Would you do her? How about her?" It was all about sex and not much anything else. My imagination ran wild with fantasies and it was then I discovered masturbation.
In my twenties, I began attending a non-denominational church outside of my parents' Catholic church. For the first time, I heard about being saved and having a personal relationship with God. However, that's also when I began viewing pornographic movies. After work, I'd stay up most of the night watching and masturbating to the adult shows knowing that I would have to wake up early for work the next morning. But the draw of pornography was stronger than my desire to sleep. It was the start of living a dual life, one for God and the other for the devil.
An end to a tumultuous relationship with another Christian left me bitter towards life and God, I told myself that if this was what God wanted for me then I didn't want it at all. Never wanting to take responsibility for my actions, I blamed God for all my troubles. During those years, I regularly rented adult movies and subscribed to Playboy, masturbating to them regularly. I dated several women and was very promiscuous. My life was spiraling downward further away from God and I found myself lonely and hollow. Masturbation and pornography left me feeling very unsatisfied, yet I would continue doing it.
Soon after I began dating my future wife, she discovered my adult magazines and I threw away by her asking. However, I continued looking at other women, objectifying them via the media or on the streets. This dual life was the source of great strife in our relationship. I'd rationalize that I was getting better over the years, but in truth I was just getting better at lying to her. There were many heated arguments surrounding my sexual impurity. Some got out of hand to the point of violence and some caused consideration for divorce.
Then my wife began having intense nightmares. Some of demons chasing and tormenting her, and others of me having sexual encounters with other women. She'd wake up the next morning distraught. I would rationalize saying it was just a dream, that I didn't do anything wrong. But in truth I was committing adultery.
Matthew 5:28 "But I tell you that anyone who looks at a woman lustfully has already committed adultery with her in his heart"
Unknowingly I had allowed Satan to come into our home and torment my family. It finally hit home when my daughter also began having nightmares of monsters in the dark tormenting her in the same manner as my wife. It got to the point where my wife would sense an evil presence and at the very same moment my young daughter would see a "monster" lurking about.
One night, my wife called me at work exclaiming there was an evil presence in the house. I could hear my daughter cry abnormally in a hysterical manner. I knew it was the manifestation of a demon. I had to do something about it. During the drive home, God told me I had to choose: Either live for Him now and get this sin out of my life, or watch the devil tear my family apart. I prayed with my wife that night. I confessed my struggles and what I was doing behind her back, but she already knew and wanted honesty from that point on.
We sought advice from a pastor who suggested some books. The first was "Bondage Breaker" by Neil Anderson. We learned how my personal sin was allowing the enemy to obtain a foothold in our marriage. I remember believing "what I am doing is only affecting me." I realized this was a lie from the enemy.
It was through a book, "Every Man's Battle" by Stephen Arterburn, I realized I was not alone in my struggles. I needed an accountability partner. So I prayed that God would show me a man or some sort of group that I could be involved with to help me with my sexual impurity. And then 2 years ago God answered my prayer at a men's retreat where I heard an FMO leader share his testimony. I immediately joined FMO and have been going each week ever since.
It is through FMO that I am able to disclose my daily struggles and learn how to become a better man of God. Through their ministry, healing is taking place.
James 5:16 "Therefore confess you sins to each other and pray for each other so that you may be healed."
I was stuck in a cycle of sin-repent, sin-repent, never able to get out of that cycle on my own. But through FMO, the cycle has finally been broken. I used to believe it was impossible to change my way of thinking. But through the steps made over the course of these last 2 years, God has made a way. There are times I still struggle, but the temptations have become less burdensome as I become closer to God. I'm finally becoming more mature in Christ.
1 Corinthians 13:11 "When I was a child, I talked like a child, I thought like a child, I reasoned like a child. When I became a man, I put childish ways behind me."
The Choice Only I Could Make
After being married five years with my first child on the way, I heard something I never thought I would. I certainly never expected a pastor at my church to be the one to say it. He informed me that, although the church didn't support divorce, he would support my wife if she left me because I didn't change my behavior. Wow! Talk about a healthy fear of sin!
My addiction to pornography started when I hid in a dumpster while playing hide and seek at school. The dumpster was filled with the worst kind of trash-pornographic magazines. By the time I climbed out of the dumpster, the other kids were gone-and so was my innocence. I left something precious behind. As I grew up, there were warning signs, but my parents were not equipped to handle them. My secret addiction led to low self-esteem which led me deeper into pornography. By the time I was 19 years old, I was sexually active and heavily involved in addictive and destructive behavior. I proceeded to treat women as objects to satisfy me and my warped view of sexuality.
At 21 years of age, I knew that I was addicted to pornography and masturbation. I tried to stop, but failed miserably. I considered telling people such as my parents or pastor, but the shame was too great. I felt trapped, helpless and hopeless. I got engaged when I was 22; my fiancé found some pornography of mine and told me that she wouldn't marry me if I kept it. I threw it away and thought that marriage would solve the problem. After being married for a couple of years, I still acted on my addictive urges. My wife became less attractive to me. Some of my activities I kept hidden, some I justified to my wife. I wasted my sexual energy on my addiction. My best friend joined FMO and encouraged me to as well; it took me a year to do so.
That was five years ago. I've had two children since. If it weren't for FMO I wouldn't be married now. Now my wife is a positive outlet for my sexuality. I can focus on what is important in life. I can be transparent with people. I've experienced freedom from addictive behavior. Now I have a choice to either follow my addiction or follow purity and that makes all the difference.
I Never Thought I'd Be At This Place In My Life
I grew up as a normal teenage boy interested mainly in sports but later in girls. However, at the age of 11 I discovered a secret that my dad was trying to hide from us. I had found several hard core magazines that he was keeping under his mattress. This excited me at the time but I hadn't learned what to do with this new excitement.
It was only a couple years later that a friend showed me how to masturbate to magazines. This now showed me why dad kept his "stash" and in no time I was acting out on a regular basis. As I became a Christian at age 15 I thought as long as I was physically a virgin, I was not sinning in God's eyes. I worked at a recycling company so I had access to many types of magazines and so it fueled the fire.
I lost my virginity the last year in college and became sexually active with my girlfriend who is now my wife. The whole time we dated, I still kept a "stash" of magazines and acted out in between the nights we were together. In the 70's swinging was popular so I fantasized about being with other women, possibly married women. My wife caught me with a couple letters that I was going to send to other women/couples and thus has never fully trusted me since.
After we were married and had kids I picked up where I left off and visited adult book stores to rent videos and occasionally went to strip clubs. Since things weren't great at home I thought of being with other women instead of working things out in my marriage. Soon, I was flirting at work which led to an affair. I cut it off when I figured out I'd have to leave my family for this other woman.
After some counseling I committed to focus on my family again. This only lasted for awhile and I was back to old habits. Soon, I discovered the internet where I didn't have to go to adult bookstores and take "the walk of shame." It was quick and easy and I could go as far as I wanted.
After becoming fully engulfed with the internet visiting on a daily basis, I cried out to God, "Please take this sin away from me!" I confessed to our men's pastor and he told me of a new ministry forming to deal with sexual addiction. I jumped at the chance! What I found out is that God won't take away the desire, but he'll walk along beside me as I learn how to have a healthy sexual life. It's been over four years now and I never thought I'd be at this place in my life. I've also learned to be open and honest with my wife in every aspect of my life. FMO has truly changed my life.
Playing Frisbee Started 18 Years of Sexual Addiction
I was nine or ten when I first saw pornography. It was in my brother's room. The Frisbee my friend and I were throwing just happened to go in my brother's open bedroom window. As I retrieved it, I brought a magazine with me. That was the start of our collection.
I was 15 before I first started masturbating. I'd never heard of it until a "friend" told me about it. He said, "You've got to try this.it's so awesome!" I struggled with consistent masturbating for the next 18 years.
I was 17 when I had sex for the first time. I sang in my high school's choir. As I wondered into class one day I saw on the face of one girl the same look I'd seen in hundreds of pornography magazines. The look said, "My body is yours, if you want it.". She was a one night stand that claimed she was pregnant. She wasn't.no consequences, so I kept looking for answers in sex.
By the time I was 19 I had shut down my emotions; they were too painful for me to embrace. I was trying to control and compartmentalize them and find answers for my pain.
While I was sleeping around, I also dated three Christian girls. Each one of them broke up with me. After the third break up, I said, "I've had it with Christian girls!" I decided the next girl I met was going to be the first in a string of illicit relationships. I met my future wife shortly there after; the whole time we were dating we were sleeping together, she wasn't a Christian at the time. We ended up living together for three months before she accepted the Lord and I recommitted my life to God. A year and a half later we were at Bible College.
I struggled with masturbating all through college & seminary. Oh, I had brief windows of victory through accountability partners & prayer, but nothing lasted. I was on a business trip to Hawaii in '96 when I saw internet porn for the first time. I'd heard a friend struggled with internet porn. So I thought I'd check it out. That was a bad idea. I ended up confession adultery to my wife (Matthew 5:28). And still my internet porn use continued.
I was in my last year of a three year Masters of Divinity degree at seminary, when I came home to find my wife on the internet. She could tell I'd been looking at porn. Her words to me were instrumental in finally breaking through the walls of denial I'd placed around myself. She said, "What is with this bullshit? This has got to stop!"
For me, January 27, 2000 is a day I've marked for all eternity. After a counseling session with a Biblical therapist, I stood out in the parking lot, looked up into a clear blue sky and said to God, "I'm on a whole new road, aren't I?" It was as if His Spirit bore witness with my spirit and He said, "Yeah.yeah you are."
I've been on this "different road" for almost six years now. God has brought me an ongoing freedom from my sexual behaviors. I have a clearer sense of how much I'm worth to Him and to others. Four years ago I would not have believed the current reality I now regularly experience "taking every thought captive to the obedience of Christ" (2 Corinthians 10:5).
The emotional and sexual intimacy my wife and I experience has been ground fought hard for.and it has been profoundly worth the fight. I am deeply grateful to the Lord for the power of His Spirit, the For Men Only ministry and for a handful of His servants in my life. If I found victory.I know you can too.
The Two Me's
Since my childhood, I have appeared to be a good person. I was a Catholic alter boy, and an Eagle Scout. As an adult, I rose to the top of the military enlisted ranks (E-9) and achieved a master's degree. I have served on school boards, and have been an elder in my church. I love helping other people. On the surface, I could make the case to some that I am a good person.
Truth is, deep down inside, I never thought of myself as a good person. I have led a secretive second life that was dark and depraved, that almost no one else, including my wife, ever knew about. It started with some Sears bra and panty ads. By age 13, I had a secret stash of Penthouses and Playboys. Traveling in the military, I discovered strip clubs and adult book stores. I was soon into hard core porn. My porn addiction started heterosexual and then later, when I became "bi-curious", evolved into bisexual and homosexual porn. Then about 12 years ago, I started having anonymous sex with men in adult book stores. I masturbated nearly every day, sometimes several times per day, from age 12 to about age 48.
I believed that if the people in my life ever knew the details about my dark life, they would surely disown me. For this reason, for nearly 35 years I never told anyone that I was obsessed with sex. When I was 28 I confessed Jesus as my Lord and Savior. It was then that I began to try to stop, or at least control my secret life. I was able to stay away from porn up to 6 months at times, but then I would always fall and then binge on porn for days, sometimes weeks at a time.
Seven years ago I confessed my addiction to a pastor. I felt instantly relieved, but within 3 months, I gave into my old behaviors. Three years ago my pastor demanded I get off the church board. It was then I realized the wall between my two lives was crumbling. When I confessed that I had had anonymous sex to my wife, my marriage nearly ended right there and then. I knew I had a serious addiction; I knew that if I was not intense and committed to staying clean and sober everyday, I would fall again and this time the consequences would be disastrous.
Today I have over 8 months freedom from any form of porn, the longest time period of my life. I drive 80 miles one way each week to attend weekly Pure Life Alliance meetings. (I would drive three times that distance to be free of this addiction). There I can be honest about any temptation I have before they become overwhelming. There I am accepted, not judged. For the first time in my life I have just one life. For the first time, I feel I have the real love of my family, my friends, my GOD, and for the first time, me.
Masturbation And Internet Porn Nearly Ruined My Marriage
Like many men with a sexual addiction, mine started as a teenager when my friend and I found his brother's Playboys. Those feelings lead to the discovery of masturbation. I sensed that there was something wrong about this behavior and that I needed to hide it, but people said it was a "normal" teenage boy thing.
Things stayed about the same through college. I had a few relationships where I felt that the manly thing to do was to have sex with the girl I was dating. Then I got married.
In my new job I started to travel more and being in hotels by myself gave me time to watch porn. I would also get magazines and masturbate. Then I brought one home and would stay up late "working", after my wife went to bed. One day I did not hide it very well and my wife found it and she was very hurt. For years, the more I traveled more it kept getting worse.
When we got DSL internet I very quickly found the world of internet porn. It got to the point where I was "working late" most nights after my wife went to bed. I was staying up until 1, 2, 3 or 4 in the morning masturbating to internet porn. Masturbation became all consuming. I would stay in bed in the morning after my wife got up and then masturbate to morning exercise shows.
When my wife did not want to have sex I would masturbate in bed right next to her. I was consumed with what I wanted and I did not care what it did to my wife. I ended up with serious depression for a few years. Then when I was out of town, God gave me the opportunity to come clean and confess this to a group at a men's prayer breakfast at the hotel where I was staying.
God let me know that He wanted me to confess this at our church's men's retreat. I did this and I was able to help a friend of mine. We did well for about a year but we both fell back into the problems again and it stayed that way for a few years.
One of the leaders of our men's ministries and I heard about FMO (For Men Only). This was a group of men that were dealing with their sexual addictions and with God's help were helping each other to recover. After joining the group began making progress and then went to a "Pure Desire" conference at East Hill Church in Gresham, to learn about leading a group. We held a men's retreat for our church where we dealt with sexual addictions. Fourteen guys from all walks of life came forward to confess. Leading this new group gave me the incentive to put an end to the porn and masturbation. I installed filters on my computers and it has now been more than two and a half years with no porn or masturbation. My relationship with my wife is better than it has ever been. I have also been able to be honest about this with my boys and have been able to help them deal with, overcome internet porn and build purity into their lives and relationships.
Beating this problem by yourself or even with one other man is very difficult. It was having a group of men that drew their strength from God that provided the support necessary to overcome my sexual addiction. If you have a sexual addiction problem with porn, masturbation, strip clubs, prostitutes, or anything else, then FMO has a group that is there to help you put these problems behind you and move on to a better life.
A Virgin Sex Addict
I grew up in a Christian home and went to Christian school through the 4th Grade. One day, around the age of twelve, I had an erection. I believe that was the first erection I'd ever had. I was laying face down on my bed and just put pressure on my erect penis. Eventually I ended up ejaculating. It was an accident but this experience was the beginning of the most difficult struggle I have ever faced in my life.
Over the next six years I battled with masturbation in secret. I used various sources of stimulation such as Sears catalogs (lingerie section), my mom's magazines, or movies with attractive women. Growing up in the church, I believed I was one of the few who had this problem. I was afraid to talk to my friends or anyone at church about it. My parents never really talked about the issue with me. Actually, my dad tried one time but after I told him I already learned about "sex" in school, he dropped the topic.
I finally got up the courage to tell my girlfriend about my struggle during my senior year of high school. Although she didn't fully understand my issue it was good to let someone else know about my secret. While attending a Christian youth camp that summer, I spoke to one of the counselors at the camp. I had heard him address all of the male teens at this same camp the previous summer. He admitted that he struggled with masturbation and it caused problems in his marriage until he dealt with the issue. After confessing my issues, he informed me that 90% of men struggle with these issues. We prayed together and I gained a sense of relief that I wasn't alone in my struggle.
The following year I moved away from my home to attend University. This was a bitter/sweet change in my life. In one sense, my faith in God was challenged and became my own. I got involved in Bible studies and campus ministry leadership. Unfortunately, at the same time I discovered pornography.
I attended college in the mid-nineties when the World Wide Web first came out. There was a lot of pornography floating around with little in the way of filters or protection. Initially, I was filled with curiosity because I had never been exposed to much porn. Combining my struggle with masturbation and this newfound "super stimulant", I was hooked. I could view pornography in the privacy of my room without having to worry about someone seeing me buy or rent something obscene. This struggle with a dual lifestyle continued throughout my college career.
After graduation I got a job, moved to another city, and got an apartment of my own. My home computer died so my only source for internet was at work. Out of fear of getting fired I avoided indulging at work. However, I did get a satellite dish. My problem shifted from internet pornography to viewing adult movies on the dish. After a year of struggling with the satellite I finally decided to cancel the service because it was too much of a temptation. Shortly afterward I decided to join an "accountability" group at my church. It was a "men's only" group I had heard my pastor speak about from the pulpit several times. He said the men in this group were gaining victory over sexual struggles in their lives. I knew this is what I desperately needed.
I joined the group for several reasons. First, I had been unsuccessful at trying to stop on my own and needed help. Second, even though I was physically a virgin, I was addicted to sex with myself. I knew my behavior was wrong and wanted to get freedom from this stronghold in my life. Third, I had an amazing woman in my life that God had blessed me with. I wanted to marry her and not bring this baggage into our relationship like the guy I listened to in high school.
As I began attending this group I started to understand the nature of my struggle. I learned about the cycle of addiction and patterns of behavior that shaped my being. I met a group of guys who were completely open and honest about their own issues. I still battled with temptation but had a group of people that I could share my struggles with, pray with, and who would encourage me when I failed. After just over a year in the group I moved to a new city because I had a wedding scheduled with the love of my life.
After arriving in the new area, I sought out another For Men Only group. I knew that it was essential for my spiritual, emotional, and physical well being. I did get plugged into another great group of guys. I also got married later that year. I have heard many guys say they thought that their sexual struggles would be over when they got married because they could sleep with their wife at anytime. They get disappointed when that doesn't come true. Something was different for me. I don't know if was the fact that I began dealing with my sexual issues before marriage or some other reason, but getting married was a turning point in my life.
I felt like the bondage that I use to be in had been broken. I still battle with temptation, but now have a sense of freedom from sexual bondage. I have grown tremendously over the years. I'm now involved in leading an FMO group at my home church. My wife and I are continuing to work on developing our relationship. I'm very thankful for God's grace, the support of my FMO group, and my wife's unconditional love.
FMO Didn't Work, but I Wasn't Sharing the Whole Story
I participated in FMO for a year and a half, and my addiction didn't decrease. In fact, my habit of looking at internet porn increased in frequency. I came to group, I read the book, I prayed, I met outside of group with our leader. None of this seemed to help.
Now, I think I know the main reason I didn't grow in my healing and deliverance. I was not able to share the specific nature of my struggle. I struggle with bisexual attraction, and the porn I looked at was gay porn. Although I shared this upfront with our leader, I just wasn't willing to share that in the group. I never lied about my experience; I simply chose not to fully disclose my struggle.
After 1 ½ years of failure, I knew I needed to make a change. I took several weeks off from FMO and then joined a different FMO group. I chose full disclosure with this group. The guys were totally cool; fully accepting of me and my struggle. I would like to say that my victory over the addiction began then. Unfortunately, it wasn't until several months later that I finally began to break the grip of my addiction.
Because of my schedule, I returned to my original FMO group. At that point, I shared my whole story with those guys. Each of them was very accepting of me as well.
One thing that helped me gain control of my addiction: my wife and I were preparing for a short term mission trip. I knew in my spirit that I needed to clean out my life, before going away to share Jesus' love. I knew that I didn't want to "stand up for Jesus" having a soiled heart.
I renewed my commitment to God to stay away from internet porn, and asked Him for the grace to follow through with that commitment. For the first time in at least a couple of years, I stayed "clean" for several months.
Since then, I have walked in much greater purity. God has shown me that I'm able to live free from pornography. It no longer holds the grip on me that it once did. I am developing an arsenal of skills and techniques that I employ when temptation attacks. One of these is to call one of my brothers, and just tell him exactly what's going on. It's fantastic to have men that I trust, and I can openly talk to about this struggle!
I wondered why I had almost NO intimate life with my husband
I wondered why I had almost NO intimate life with my husband. Was that normal for mid-life? I was too embarrassed to bring it up with my friends. Have you ever wondered or talked to God about things that you felt were not right in your life, but could not share these thoughts with anyone else? The answer I got to that question from my husband was, "It's not you! It's me!" So what did that mean? So I had a conversation with my God.
The answer came. I'm not sure how much time had passed before I got my answer, but in November of 2004, I had the answer. My husband read me a letter about his sexual addiction to pornography. He told me that the years he traveled out of town, his time alone was spent in motel rooms with pornography videos and acting out sexually. He also told me he wanted to quit and had been struggling for four years to quit on his own. This had been a guarded secret that he had not wanted anyone to find out who he really was.
So now I had my answer. I was relieved to know. I felt all the walls that had been building up between us over the years come down. I was hurt, sad, but knew I could go on. My walk with the Lord was strong and he would help us through this. After all, it was the Holy Spirit that convicted my husband four years ago after going to a men's retreat. That was when his struggle began to try to quit on his own. I had not understood at times when he'd say, "How can Jesus love me?" Now I understand his distress. What about me? What do I do? How do we change this? Can he just quit? Who do I talk to? Who can I share this with?
I shared this with our Women's Minister at church. We would talk and pray together, but she didn't have answers I needed. One day, she handed me a letter sent to her by Pure Life Alliance. It was about a class that would provide information about my husband's struggles. I called the voice mail number. The person who contacted me was helpful and reassuring. I wasn't alone any longer. I went to the Hidden Hurt class and I became informed. I was surrounded by other Christian women who could support me in this struggle. I learned about sexual addition, codependency, forgiving, and walking the journey with God. It was a place I could share with a small group of women who were like me. I didn't want this to end. Long term small groups were formed that year. It is a weekly commitment I still make.
My husband and I are still on this journey. God is our refuge. He holds us up when we fall. We have also sought professional counseling to help us sort through the years of addiction. We are building relational and emotional intimacy back into our marriage. Our groups hold us accountable and give us support, a safe place to share our struggle with others that are on the same journey. We are not alone. I can now say "May the name of the Lord be praised" (Job 1:21). God's answer was not what I wanted, but it is to "Praise Him" for the growth of faith he brought to us in this journey.
Have you ever wondered if your husband has a girlfriend?
Have you ever wondered if your husband has a girlfriend? I did. I even asked my husband - somewhat jokingly - if he had a girlfriend where he traveled for work. He was horrified and said absolutely "No". So, I believed him.
Deep down though, I had a feeling something was not right. However, I put on a happy face and forged ahead in our marriage - raising our 2 young children. I was scared, what if it was true - how would I raise the kids? What would other people think?
I was relieved to discover it was not a girlfriend, but "just" a pornography addiction. When I caught him on the internet - I felt betrayed, angry, alone, and quite simply stunned. I prayed a lot. My husband told me he loved me, it wasn't anything to do with me - all him. He asked me to not tell anyone, that we could work through this together. He said people could not find out - it might affect his job.
Wanting to be respectful - I kept quiet. But this only made me feel even more alone; I wanted and needed to talk to others, but I was scared and embarrassed. About 6 months later I caught him on the internet again - this time I was furious. How could he lie to me AGAIN. I felt so betrayed and unloved. I knew I had to get help, even if he did not want help or want others to know. That week I made the scary phone call no one wants to make, I called A Hidden Hurt.
I will never forget how much it hurt to talk to someone about the pain I had been experiencing, however I was amazed at the tremendous burden which had been lifted. It was not a secret anymore. I was getting help. HH taught me how to get healthy - to control what I can control - myself, my boundaries and my reactions. It is scary, but if you are feeling ashamed, alone, angry, scared...make the call - God wants you to be happy, to feel loved, and most of all - to make the best of your situation. A Hidden Hurt will walk this journey with you.
Six weeks after we were married, my husband began coming home late from work
Six weeks after we were married, my husband began coming home late from work. He would come in the door harried, as if the wind had blown him in. He would always say the same thing "I'm so sorry, I lost track of the time." I didn't think too much of it until one evening when I planned a special dinner. I had the table set, got dressed up, and waited... When he came home late he was not interested in me or in eating. He barely said a word all night and was quite cold and distant.
It was very painful and a couple days later I asked him what was going on. He then spilled the story. He had been staying late at work to look at (and masturbate to) pornography on the Internet. I was crushed and felt so betrayed. He had broken his wedding vows just six weeks after we were married! He had chosen these other women over me.
Even before I married my husband, he told me about his "struggle" with pornography. To me this meant an occasional temptation and one that I assumed most men struggle with. I had no idea the breadth and depth of the struggle or how it would impact my life.
I called a good friend for prayer and encouragement, but instead was met with anger towards my husband and with her telling me that I was being abused. While he definitely made some bad choices, my husband did not deserve this attack. And me, while I was hurt and betrayed I did not feel abused. My friend did not understand. This made me feel so alone and I certainly wasn't going to open up to anybody else!
Over the next 9 months, my husband continued to view pornography and to tell me that it didn't mean anything. They were just pictures and I should stop punishing him by all my crying. I sunk into a deep depression, gained weight, was irritable to everyone, and felt so isolated. I was going through a nightmare and one that I couldn't talk about with anyone. My friends and family were worried for me, but I still didn't feel that I could tell them what was going on. I thought that I was the only person I knew who was going through this. I thought it was all my fault. I was confused, hurt, and angry.
I finally went to a crisis counselor who told my husband that I was in clinical depression and that it was because of his behavior. The counselor told him that he needed to get help. For the first time he saw how his behavior was affecting someone else, and someone that he loved!
He began seeing a counselor that specialized in sexual addiction and he began meeting weekly with a friend for accountability. About two years later, my husband found out about FMO at a men's retreat. He started attending and that is when real change started to happen. He started building deep friendships with guys that he could be honest with, he started to find victory over sin, he started finding other healthy (and non-sinful) ways of coping with stress, boredom, and tiredness. Not only that, but he kept telling me how sorry he was for hurting me and he thanked me for not walking away.
I realized that his struggles with sexual purity were not my fault, that nothing I said or did could control his behavior. I learned to pray for him when I wanted to nag him. He later shared with me that this allowed him to own his recovery.
One day he handed me a flyer for A Hidden Hurt, a class that helps the partners of those who struggle with sexual purity. At first I was intrigued. So there are other women who are in my shoes? Other Christian women! Then I felt like running. Did I really want to deal with my hurt? Could I really share my story to strangers? It took me a year to get enough courage to attend the 11-week class.
When I did attend the class I found that I was no longer alone. A huge weight was lifted! I could share my story with others who wouldn't judge my husband or me. Instead, I was completely understood. Not only that, but I learned about how men are wired, about how I can stay healthy as I cope with my husband's struggle for sexual purity. It helped me to understand my husband and myself better. It allowed me to heal and find my own victory over a broken heart that had grown hard with anger.
I am so thankful to A Hidden Hurt and I would like to encourage you to find the courage to attend. You will be so glad you did! You may even find that the Lord will bring you to such a place of healing that you can turn around someday and help other women find the same healing. God is in the restoration business and he wants to see you find healing and He wants your partner to find victory over sin!
My husband is a sex addict - now what?
My husband is a sex addict - now what? So, I now know my husband struggles with pornography...what do I do? Part of me feels like this is HIS issue, HIS problem...so he should deal with it. But, I am so hurt and alone. I truly did not understand sexual addiction and was tired of feeling alone. I called A Hidden Hurt and felt understood.
A Hidden Hurt has taught me what sexual addiction is, what I can do for myself, what I cannot do for my husband (control him or his actions), and most of all, HH has provided a safe place for me to talk about my feelings. The other women in my group either know first hand what I'm experiencing, or can definitely relate to my feelings. I'm not alone. I am becoming a person who looks to God for all her strength and happiness.
Pastor's Wives Shouldn't Share Their Secret Pain...Should They?
It is not easy to put my story up here for all to see. Women often want to guard and keep private our marriage and husband's flaws. But that urging is even stronger for me because my husband is a pastor. Somewhere along the line you pick up that it is not the pastor's wife's privilege to share her husband's flaws. While pastors have experienced a call to ministry, and they may have a certain set of spiritual gifts...they are still just human beings, flawed, struggling, seeking God's heart and desiring God to change and perfect them as the years go by. I know that now.
Though brought up in a strong, Christian home my husband was sexually abused when a child. A friend - I use that term loosely! - later introduced him to masturbation when he was 15. In the mid-90's we got the Internet, and just like they said in that Oprah episode, the Internet is the crack cocaine of pornography. A couple of years later my husband started seminary and the pressures of ministry preparation, strong feelings of inadequacy ("Do I really have what it takes?") and the daytime schedule flexibility lead to escalated acting out.
From early in our marriage 15 years ago he told me this was a struggle area, THE struggle area; and periodically over the years confessed to me bits of it. I grew up in a home where there was pornography so the parts he shared with me seemed "normal". But I never understood the severity or pervasiveness. Just before his graduation he knew in his heart that his struggle had become an addiction - no longer something he could control but something that controlled him. And, even in the midst of the craziness, he knew the awful impact his sin could have on a church and ministry if it got further out of control and he was in a position of leadership.
A counseling professor who gave his "bad habit" a name - sexual addiction - referred him to a therapist and suggested he would need to wait out at least a year to pursue ministry...if he could ever pursue it at all. It finally hit me: what had a hold of him, how deep it was, and the potential cost to our future. I had just spent 15 years supporting my husband through two educational degrees with many sacrifices along the way, and we were about to lose the future we had planned since our first date. I was speechless. (Can you be furious and speechless at the same time??) But I was also bound and determined that we would fight, I would stand by his side, and we would win. (That's the nice side of it. The other side was, "I will fix this!")
I was encouraged to attend a support group for wives of men struggling with sexual purity. I did not want to go - pastor's wives don't talk about their problems - but shoved my feelings down deep and went just to make some other people happy. In God's timing and plan, I ended up in a group of 10 women, 8 of whom were ex-pastor's wives. They were either ex-wives, divorced because of their husband's behavior or ex-pastoring, having lost their vocation due to their husband's behavior. I was the only one still married to a pastor and still in vocational ministry. God seemed to be speaking very loudly: this was a place for me, and there was more hope in my situation than in many others. And so I submitted to His very clear message and continued meeting with these dear ladies, learning from those who had been down the road before me. Despite their circumstances, God had given them peace, joy and wisdom, which I needed a whole lot more of. I am grateful for the knowledge and grace bestowed upon me by the leaders, and the community of women in my group that taught me so much about dealing with this issue in our marriage and my life.
One of the exercises in the group encouraged us to let go of the man we thought we had, and begin to accept the one we truly have through a Goodbye Letter. By the time I wrote mine, we were far enough into the process that I was GLAD to be rid of the inauthentic, artificial guy I thought I had and GLAD to have the authentic but imperfect man I live with today. I would like to share my letter with you, to "pay it forward" and share some hope with you, like others provided it to me (2 Corinthians 1:3-5). Your husband, marriage and you can get better. Please think about joining a Hidden Hurt group to receive hope, help and healing...even if you are a pastor's wife.
I resolutely wave goodbye to the man I married to climb on a strong but battle-scarred horse with my tarnished and embattled knight. The road ahead is full of danger, evil and attack but we have faith, hope, love...and weapons to battle.
You see I don't want the man I thought I married. Though kind and gentle, he was also weak. As my husband has grown into a strong, biblical leader and man, I am scared, frustrated and frequently annoyed at my loss of power and control. But I also feel growing relief and pleasure at being loved, cared for, and lead.
In the last years my husband has slowly grown into a man of strength and leadership. While it has caused much friction in our marriage, it is good and mostly healthy as he learns to have opinions, the freedom to express them, and sometimes to act. But his battle for purity has been at a whole new level. It has inspired me. I have never seen such discipline and stick-to-it-iveness in him. He is determined to submit to God and overcome. And he has experienced a great deal of freedom, now years, of purity.
And there is an upward spiral: as energy is freed up from unwholesome things, it does not dissipate. My husband has chosen to divert it to grow stronger and more involved in life: more help in the home, increased passion and commitment for his work, family and ministry; a care and investment in his spiritual growth and physical body. He is being rebuilt à la Hebrews 12:1, "...let us throw off everything that hinders and the sin that so easily entangles, and let us run with perseverance the race marked out for us" and Philippians 3:14, "I press on toward the goal to win the prize for which God has called me heavenward." It makes my heart beat fast. There will be long, dark forests in front of us, I know. Battles to be fought, especially in my life and mind. We are still wounded, not fully healed. There are still bags of rocks to be tossed off our horse before we can truly ride free.
But we have hope, courage and some experience. I believe we will ride on together, and we will reach the Golden City one day.
How can I ever trust my husband again, let alone be intimate with him?
How can I ever trust my husband again, let alone be intimate with him? I discovered my husband's pornography addiction and was horrified. I thought we had a great marriage. Sure we had our disagreements, but we enjoyed each other - we talked - we laughed - we had 2 kids.
Dealing with his porn addiction was difficult. I felt fat, not pretty and inadequate. How could I ever let him see me naked? He's probably comparing me to "them". Does he even love me?
I called A Hidden Hurt and felt safe and understood. I was able to share my feelings with other women who knew exactly how I felt. I felt so relieved to have other women to pray with me.
And then the bomb hit. My husband had not told me "everything". Not only did he have a porn addiction, but 2 years earlier he had an affair. Talk about my world crashing down. I was shocked - hurt - furious - disappointed - felt abandoned; how could he betray our marriage vows "physically" not just visually.
Words cannot begin to express how grateful I was to be in a group when my husband fully disclosed his story. HH provided the encouragement and support I needed when I felt hopeless and scared.
This was a journey I did not think I would ever have to endure.
My husband is in an FMO group - and together we are both working towards trust, love and honesty. It sounds weird, but I'm actually glad this has happened to us. Because of his addiction, we are now open and honest with each other. There are no secrets. I'm learning to trust him again. We are learning how to love each other even more. We are learning how to look to God for strength and guidance. Do I wish we could have all this trust and honesty without sexual addiction...absolutely! But, A Hidden Hurt has provided a safe place for me to learn, grow, cry, laugh and most of all - have hope for my future.
When my husband first brought home information on A Hidden Hurt, I was sure it didn't apply to me
When my husband first brought home information on A Hidden Hurt, I was sure it didn't apply to me. Everything was going so well with us - we were newly married, and I had known about his previous struggles before we were engaged. My husband had been involved in FMO for several years and was leading a group - a testament to God's healing in his life. I was sure I would be out of place with women who had experienced the pain of betrayal.
However, even though things were going very well, in the back of my mind were unanswered questions, which I wasn't sure how to deal with. I would wonder what he had done (he had shared categories but not details - which I am grateful for now, because I won't have those pictures in my mind forever). I worried that he might choose his old lifestyle again and end our marriage. I felt guilty for even thinking these thoughts when he was doing all the right things. Most of all, I felt alone with a secret which I didn't know how to share with anyone else. So, when the opportunity for me to join a group of women on this journey came around again, I took it - as much out of curiosity as anything else. But it wasn't easy at first. I heard stories of women whose marriages did not make it, or whose husbands lied to them for decades. While there was hope in Christ, there was also a lot of pain and anger - and here I was, the young, innocent bride who had actually chosen to walk this path! I became angry after small group - angry with "the men" and angry at my husband for seeming to sympathize with men who would do such horrible things.
After the first couple of weeks, it was so distressing that I decided to stop going, because I felt like I was adding tension to our marriage unnecessarily. I was sure my husband would understand and support my decision to quit, but he asked me to keep going - both for myself, and for him, so I could understand his issues and how to support him through them. I have to admit that took me aback a little - I thought he would be happy to end my bitter rampages, and I had always thought I was going for myself - the fact that it was helpful to him had never occurred to me.
So, I continued to go, though it still wasn't easy. However, I learned a lot. I had a place to ask questions and to get wise counsel. I was able to share my fears openly, and be vulnerable with other women who trusted me with their stories. I also began to realize that my angry responses to other situations came out of my fear about our situation and that attending my group was actually helping me process through these hard feelings before they settled into a bitterness that would erode our marriage.
As time went on, my husband did occasionally have slips, which was devastating to me, because I really had put my hope in the idea that he was all better. Often times, it would occur when I would be out of town at a women's retreat or helping with high school summer camp - "good" things that I should be able to do without worrying what he was up to. That really hurt - I felt like I had lost some of my freedom to do what I wanted without fear. I didn't understand why he would turn to something he despised so much when things were going so well. I was, however, so grateful, to have a group of women to share this with and to have a place where I could cry, be confused, be angry, or just quietly listen where I would be accepted, understood, not preached at, but loved.
Through A Hidden Hurt, I have experienced authentic community, seen God work in amazing ways in my life and in the lives of others. I have learned practical tools on conflict resolution, setting boundaries, avoiding co-dependency and enhancing sexual intimacy that have helped my marriage. Most importantly, I have seen God use me to support and encourage others just as I was encouraged four years ago. I would tell any woman who is in a relationship with someone who struggles with sexual purity - especially those who don't think they need to come - to come and engage on this difficult, yet rewarding journey.